Because they didn't quite eat all your bees.

I genderforked, or to put it differently, I created a profile at http://genderfork.com and I did everything I was supposed to including sharing some of my genderforked realities, and it felt…pleasant, it was simple and it was fun, which means I give 2 ambiguous thumbs up to what they’re doing and what they’ve sort of started there.  A lot of people feel that gender is not only oppressive, but a cause of a lot of the violence we experience in our societies.  I did also put in my contact and posted a link to my website, which for the moment, is nowhere near as convenient to use.  I think simplifying everything, makes it much more tempting to contribute, and the fact that it can be anonymously makes it a lot more accessible.

Huh, I should maybe think about something like that for my own site, a submissions button, for photography and anonymous profiles… I guess that would be the final thing I would need to do for my site, make it easy for contributions to the magazine itself, I definitely don’t want to be the main feature of issue #3.  I think have some supporters which will help me maintain content or at least OP generated content, such as podcasts and T-shirts, so I will look forward to not being alone in this project.

In other news I have an exam in 7 hours, so I will probably enjoy that, since studying has been kind of erratic, but I have done some preparation, but preparation isn’t really study and study is what I should be doing now.  The subject is actually quite interesting to me, and I think a lack of confidence is my worst enemy, and I should relax, more than anything, because I know the course material, at least…I know some of it, I’ve been studying East Asia for a number of years now.

I know you’re wishing me luck, and I’ll be happy just to pass, because well, its been a tough semester, all of these semesters have been tough, but if I do well, I could also get a distinction, it is really strange how little it matters to me.  But I will study, and I hope for everyone that they will succeed in their exams and assignments at the end of this year / semester.

L8rs gender kids!

Ok peeps, the news is in.  Or at least it will be on occasion, even regularly if I ever get the time.  I’m back to posting on Newsvine which is a site for citizen journalism.  My actual column is located at http://tenurist.newsvine.com which was created to voice me views which criticises democracy and criticises its opponents, basically I wanted to imply that everyone was getting it wrong.  I still believe that, but now for the most part, I’m subdued, saving the real political writing for a real audience, if and when I ever find one..  A group of people interested in making changes in the world outside, the real world which continues to grow abstract capitalist mutations and weird combative socialist antonyms.  Anyway, not to be overly dissenting here, instead, I’m writing pieces which are a little more optimistic and realistic.

I write about vegetarianism, veganism, gardening, poetry, queer rights, trans experiences, life experiences, observations and generally whatever I feel is likely to put aside some of the spite that comes from the news headlines, which is vicious, its malicious and its viral for mine.  Negative news is ruining peoples lives…So I want to be positive, insightful and relative.  If you feel like you want to comment and join a movement for positive news, then by all means check out my column, and if you like, you can join up, be a part of the community, write articles and be voiced.

But then again, you might hate the site, some people do, there are a lot of wannabe academics and intellectual farts which swear that its about the right and wrongs, rather than the actual voice of the people, they are well known to be irritants and annoy a number of people.  They don’t quite understand, how a community needs to break borders and boundaries, rather than create them, then there are trolls, etc, you’re no stranger to the internet…  So if you like, take a deep breath and join me on this journey…  And if you’re from the future, scavenging the ‘first internet’ then please find my footprints and become a part of my experience… I/We are not timist.

 

I just joined facebook – here is the evidence

Ally Needs

Create Your Badge

It is pretty bland, but please friend me to keep up to date with regular activity from Milisha Magazine, and this Meglomedia Blog or follow me on Twitter.  Obviously this is about trans 4 trans, because I don’t want to see people getting hurt or washed out by some overbearing hegemony or sexual priory.  It is for our protection from the oppressive forces of doom, trying to accept the pain and depression as unimportant as possible and to have fun without hurting anyone.  Trying to inform, but at the same time…I want to learn the reasons why people do not see fit to help others who in distress.  I feel the trans community is in distress, sure there are radical genderqueer movements which look like they might help our cause, but I’d rather we maintain anarchy on our own, without any guidelines or ruling parties telling us the difference between good trans and bad trans…

Help fight against gender terror at Milisha Magazine's Website

As far as I can tell, today is the day when I find out whether or not I’ll be approved for surgery.  I’ve been seeing a psychiatrist for a while, and all for a few bumps in the night, have made it through to the final stages of this ordeal – I’m hoping to get approval, I’ve got the money, I’m ready to hop on the plane.  Its been a long time coming and I guess I have my doctor to thank, but not really, I’ve done most of everything on my own.

So there are no apologies or regrets, maybe just a few cuts, scrapes and bruises I would have preferred to avoid.  That being said, the year of study is all but over,  only 2 more exams, and then its the holiday period.  I guess I am hoping to do a summer course to catch up, because I’ve missed a few classes and lost a bit of ground along the way.  I’ve been doing my best, its just not practical sometimes, being trans, its not just hard, its impossible.    I’m in a new place now, an improvd environment, I just need to fix my computer and the move will be complete.

I don’t feel an anxiety about the doctor at the moment, I don’t feel as if I should be happy or sad, it just feels like justice.  Isn’t that what is happening in the end?  Its not a congratulations or highly satisfactory mark of approval, its a corrective procedure, meant to remove an obstacle from living life.   I guess there are plenty people with obstacles, but I’ll be glad to have avoided this one.  Its one of the most terrifying things I’ve ever experienced – the feeling of isolation, deprivation and of course the false promises, the torturous lure which isn’t really tangible, its quite far away, quite expensive and quite unfair.

If only there was more support, for what I am doing, more allies to be found, aside from politics I feel there is a lack of community support for transitioning trans peeps, beause they are rare, and there experienced are very well… unexplored, their journey…. not documented with any real insight, only a few snap shots, but the real sick feeling in your stomach is when you realise you’re heading off to get cut… alone.  Maybe its ok, Maybe its just me, the glowing recounts of trans surgery for mine are just testimonies of ‘depravity relief’, that ecstatic feeling brings with it a sense of erasure about a process which is DAMAGAING a lot of people and MANY may not even survive, quitting before they get to the operating table in despair.

SHAME GOVERNMENTALS – “I cast fireball in your general direction”

Of course being a human being comes with its assortment of grey vampires, eager girl guides and boy scouts, in other words people to who you will be the ‘token transsexual’ needed to reach the next level of immunity in a world of political impunity – they mean well, but if you’re in a ditch bleeding, they’ll be on the doors of parliament, not with you in the hospital.  HEY THERE DYSTOPIA – I HOPE I DIDN’T FRIGHTEN THE ANIMALS.

** good luck gender kids **

I can almost return to normal blogging, now that I’ve almost finished my obsessive work towards the completion of my site http://milishamagazine.com.  I’ve been at it for almost a fortnight and the site is looking really good.  but I want to resume normal blogging and return my heartbeat to Earth frequency.

Ok. Its assignment time.  It’s getting towards the end of semester and there are 3 assignments left to complete (within 2 weeks).  I’m going to get them done, I’m not too worried, but I’d like to get good marks.  I think I can improve them with a little more care next year.  Life is pretty bland when you’re tapping away at a computer for hours.  Not ultimately boring, kind of interesting through archives of trans history, and learning how hosting a website works.. Gasp.  In the mean time, I’ve been to fair day and am celebrating Pride month is grand fashion.  Launching Milisha, on a very low key level and attending a number of events organised by my queer friends.

Meanwhile I am returning to planet Earth finally.  I just had a look at my new home – its cozy and I have excellent plans for a sustainable future there.  I have an extra room, but for the moment, its empty.   I guess it makes me happy, my own home at 27, feels like an achievement.  I’ll be glad to be out of student accomodation, it is giving me a headache.  My short term goals are to complete my university studies and start my merchandising business.  It’s vegan business ethics you see… I don’t want to work for society at large – I’d rather contribute my own enterprises, which is much more ethical and satisfying than 95 % of the jobs I can imagine out in the IRL world (patriciarchy).  I hope that people will want what I providing, because I don’t think I’m contrinuting much by supporting socio-capitalist ethics, the consumer whoring pop slavery.

Anyway.. I’ll be providing my own warez and dexterous enterprises to compensate for my obvious social descent.  I’m not an angry person, just unvoiced in the IRL world, its a network of wankers, wrapped in glossiness to burn your eyes.  It just bleeds people of hope, happiness, freedom and curiosity which are things which shouldn’t be taken away in the name of…what exactly is it we’re doing?  Exploiting the world’s resources?  I know you feel it will eventually level out and everything will be justified, but I don’t need the ends to justify the means…And I really can’t compete, against society as it is at the moment, being vegan and being queer.  I’m very happy though, the world just saddens me… ? Are you buying it?

I think there is a convergence on the horizon, and a lot of it has to do with changing gender attitudes.  It has to do with the men that run the world running out of oil (ooze) and the people that sell cars running out of lies.  At the same time it has to do with post modernism, it has to do with reality being a little bit too much to handle for the world as we know it.  It means change, it obviously means change, or variation and for it I am optimistic – autobahn, pony, Albert Einstein,  levitating jelly bean bags.   It is my belief that much of the world is for sale – eventually they’ll want to sell Transsexuala (the identity of trans) to the highest bidder, the most unattainable role models, just to make it harder to exist.  It’s how society works, they take something from you, and sell it back to you for a profit.  I don’t plan on being able to afford a life of competitive transsexual marketing, my wig is not quite that big.

Imagine, androgyny taking over, making people question their selves, a new wave of assimilation entering the desperately chaos driven trans movement – It will be sexy, but competetive and expensive.  A compromise of blood and brains for beauty – although brains might adapt, it still needs blood, unless you’re thinking post humanism, transhumanism – in which case, you probably will only need yourself.  Liberation is something we are kind of born with, we learn about oppression as life bears down, I just don’t want to forget that I can be who I want to be.  I think assimilation is already entering the queer community, selling itself…’in?’

Ok I have blogged so I’m happy.  Looking forward to playing with bunny @ my new house.   Love all!

I’ve been working on the Milisha Magazine project for a while.  Originally the idea was to create a magazine, that would be available for young trans peeps so that they could have and engage some positive material relating to trans experiences.  Help promote a healthy sexuality by finding role models, people who can help set at ease the apprehensions of a trans asolescence.  The idea expanded into politics, something which takes on relevance when young people enter their twenties.  We don’t have as much support among ourselves as we need.  Even though the Queer community is the biggest politically active group for trans rights, I would like to see communication and positive spirit enter the community.

I think because we are a minority, we are constantly negative, life being oppressive, depressing and the like, I’d really love it if we could celebrate something positive about our lives, if we could communicate the wonderful things we get to experience in our life times, even though we might be a part of some oppressed minority.  I am fighting against gender terror, I am actively trying to prevent people telling us who we are – It is sickening sometimes when we sacrifice so much in the name of peace and friendship and watch it decay when we lack the confidence to communicate because our lives are by nature more difficult than everyone else’s.  I don’t care, I don’t want to hear about how difficult it is being heterosexed. 

I guess I hope that Milisha will be a playground of sorts, for ideas, expression, politics and safety when it comes to love, sex and relationships.  The site should be open as much as possible to a diverse range of ideas and can always contend with new agendas being put forward, the imperative is to protect people who are trans  identifying and to welcome people who are friends of the community.  I hope that the website and the publication engages and encourages people to get involved in the community  by expressing how the world can change, and how we can accommodate a real interest in us, rather than being token and hidden.

I wish you could be satisfied with the difficulties that we are facing, and that this site is really about positivity and positive attitudes towards making life a bit easier for people who are seeking a change in their life or questioning their gender, and questioning what they can do about it.  I hope this information finds you if it needs to.

Happy Birthday Milisha, I'm elated. Time to Celebrate.

Milisha Magazine is now online with 2 issues, the old sit was reworked into something more user friendly and dynamic for contribution and community from site Members.  Terrific, there is a place to discuss and work through some of the community issues for trans peeps.  I’m pretty glad its online and working.  I’ve been wanting to achieve something like this interms of website quality for some time, and I think this is pretty neat.

That’s been filling my days for the last couple of weeks, among other things, fairday, sustainability week and elections for positions re: our local University Queer Network – I lost, but that works out for the best, I plan to be pretty busy next year.  I feel quite happy – I had my fourth article published in OUTinPerth, and I now have an official photographer – sweet!  Unfortunately, soccer season is over, and we finished third, the rest of our time decided to take off to the Gold Coast for the Australian University Games, leaving me and the rest of our team to forfeit our match against the second team, who we could have beaten.  But we didn’t…sucks

I feel good about University and am looking forward to the rest of the year, there isn’t much to go, but I think it is important to finish the year successfully, and have a really good year next year.  I am about due for a hassle free year.  I think the key to achieving this is to secure some kind of stable income, which will alow me to do everything that I want to, I’ve been a bit poverty stricken these last few years, which unfortunately is something I cannot avoid, I just can’t manage my time particularly well.

I have my fingers crossed that people will get into Milisha and support the website, that they’ll gt something out of it.  After all it is designed with community in mind.  There is a community out there, I guess my focus is a local community, or even a national community, if we get enough support, I’m sure there will be a lot of happier and friendlier trans peeps around.  God knows a safe place can be hard to find.  You can upload videos, images, blog, write in forums, view magazines, comics, and submit content for the published magazine.  It’s worth your while to check it out.

I played my first game in a chess tournament last night and won!

Being the only woman in a room full of men, can be intimidating, but it kind of comes with the territory, if I have a real problem with it, I’ll just leave.

I play it for entertainment, I eventually want to be state champion, then compete at the nationals.

I’m trying to make sure I don’t get too competitive, otherwise it definitely can become stressful.

But winning would have its perks..don’t you think?

Maybe being the only woman player is going to bring drama, I’ve already been asked out once and declined – Fingers crossed I get the ‘playing chess only’ vibe out there.

If you know how to play, chess can become quite entertaining, maybe I’ll give Ron Weasley a call…

To always challenge expectation!

There is beauty and refelction in everything, but also ugliness and deflection

I think there is more to chess than winning, at least there should be.

I wouldn’t want to over do it though, these patterns are similar to the patterns for migraine!

Chess is a creative experience for me. It looks boring, and it really is…sometimes.

Quit selling us out, you don't own homosexuals! We were gay before we ever met you, get over it.

The problem is with assimilation – the unending code of queer behaviour, which seems to be well intentioned, but overrun with people who seem to get their kicks out of playing the system – quasi leadership for sexual identity that shouldn’t really militant – marrying expectation and obligation to our sexual questions – I’m queer, I’m not a politician or a porn star, I don’t love Margaret Cho, I left my cons in the bin, my hair is long, I don’t like pop music, drag queens aren’t funny and I’d rather read a good book than have sex? For this I am guilty, sentenced to death? A hater of the queer community – And yes I really want to say – Get the fuck out of my face assclowns, I’m not a sheep – go and commit suicide by yourself. I don’t think we have the key political insight – only an opinion, we definitely haven’t gotten it right, at best, we’ve got it better than it was… Draconian exteriors and a room full of half wits, doesn’t make a whole. Recruiting heterosexuals is about as interesting as asking someone to steal my oxygen, I’m looking for relationships not a social movement, likeminded people, not a revolution, call me crazy but I don’t buy into ‘your’ best intentions for me.

In other words people are being exploiting within the community by the perpetuation of these ideas of pop and sex icons as well as backwater politics which demand decent rather than opinions. Happiness is stolen by the workload but on young queers and sexuality, because we say the identity is already established – conform or perish – The territorial homosexual – we don’t want your alpha’s or reputation, we don’t respect your intellect or your opinions, “they claim the homosexual base in the name our woes and fuck yous, based on hate, not love – to share our unhappiness and unsuccesses, so that you’ll think about empowering them, before you realise you don’t need them – they’re cheats, they take provisional custody of your sexuality – making you cut your hair, drink alcohol, buy new shoes, listen to certain music, hate god, have universal love for the opposite sex (pc dynamic), support communism, become an anarchist, become a feminist, and by the end of it you feel like a tool because none of that is really important right? Its superficial and trivial, it means they’re puttin up fences up between you and your sexuality, maybe being ‘in’/'out’ is cool – but it isn’t progressive, its just the high school life we never had. Bully’s can lick my dog’s but. – its shit, its just shit!

Militantly holding my own.

Ok let’s start by acknowledging that we are in the presence of the gender privileged, a entire scale of possible refutations exist with various levels of credibility or strength to breach the barely held lines of transfeminity.

Family isn’t always forever.  As we grow up we find new families, ones which we create after outgrowing our childhood homes and harbours.  Some people make families like the ones they grew up in, they just take on different roles, not everyone is so fortunate.   Any analysis which has a nuclear family at its core is likely to find there are really problems with it.  For starters, we used to have 2.3 kids, 2 parents and pets, and now add a television, computer, a family of iPods, subtract a parent, change the sex of one of them and add a plethora of fast food chains, and other conveniences which continue to shape the percetions of family ethics.

Make an accusation or a generalisation about transwomen and their families.  Apart from the struggle for acceptance and persistent heartaches of rejection, the ordeal will never end.  There is not likely to be a reprive from your absencce from the societal model of happiness, life will go on, you’ll just not have much wind beneath your wings.  After scavenging the wreck of human sexuality, searching the various archipeligos for paradise, but instead only finding shelter you’ve probably stumbled upon some sense of a life which has been hard fought for and found your own unique idea of family and identity.  As a transwoman, you’ve been discriminated against for a while now, your sexuality is ignored because of the glowing neon gender lights in your life and you’re probably looking for a rock to crawl under half the time because the politics of transiness is making you cringe – the discrepencies between the words people recite and the actions people make.

Some of us are greener than others, its just that I do hate and I don't feel bad about it - I don't make myself a stranger.

There is a sense of panic, which comes from believing that you can be the person you want to be, the person you feel you need to be – only to find that almost everything you need comes with a price, and not just a monetary one and you just can’t pay…  I always felt like an orphan, enlisted in a family of actors, the love that I felt was never reciprocated and emptiness and dependency seemed to be stressed more often.  It is because my family are right wing liberals, they took my coming out as a personal trauma to themselves, its daunting to be shoved down deep and hidden because the fakeness of the world should remain impenetrable.  What happened to family relationships?  I became the victim of a sickening and primitive love which seemed only for a boy that never was – and they mourned and mourned and still mourn.  I don’t know why,  I must have been a really good actor or supressed severely enough for their perspectives to warrant familial dominance.

I still have wounds that are open for flies to make worse.  The truth is they need to believe that we’re communicating, when I don’t think we are.  I’m getting money thrown at me, or I’m asking for it, but love is not telling your child they are sick, sending them to hospital, breaking down in tears because they can’t believe its not true, siding with any sign of possible reprive from their own shadow perceptions – don’t like society’s norms, crazy – like girls, crazy – don’t value money, crazy – have ideas of your own to help protest injustice and unfair practices, crazy – tell your parents they don’t quite get it, crazy, certifiable – contradict father, crazy – get mad when incorrect pronouns are used, crazy, moody – just to name a few, I just get the sense that my parents still don’t get it and never will.

This is my certifiable confession.  Society at large is a propogater of rules which restrict radicals within in the name of the greater good.  Some of these rules are about wealth, some about gender, education, physical status, sexuality and politics.  I believe that all of these assumptions are debasers, they assimilate into a discrimanting machine which forces people to compete against each other in alien and unnatural niches.  This competition, which is based on a capital gain within the domain of rules is protected by the idea of worth which is constantly programmed into its citizens.  What I do is good and because it is good, so am I.  A happy program indeed.

I can't believe I walked right into a violent world - STUPID!

But the greater good… I’m still confused – raping the Earth, erasing history, killing animals, exploiting the poor, commercialising art, poisoning food and water, supressing voices, celebrating worthlessnes, sexualising ethics, deleting culture and identity, promoting terror culture – scaring people into line, waging wars which cost trillions, killing in the name of, governments without consent and above it all promoting and supporting all of these ideas with money and our labour tasked into an unfair system.  But the privileged do not feel it to be unjust, but rather the rest of the world to be unproductive and an array of names springs forth – woman, black, immigrant, fag, dyke, transsexual, geek, nerd, jock, suit, capitalist, communist, republican, democrat – we have invalid excuses for everything.

I don’t think I can forgive the horribileness and hatred of the past, but I will welcome convergence, cooperation, repair and acceptance in the future, we can work from there.  I’m sorry not with these broken bones and bruises – even if your title is Mum or Dad, I know when I’m getting hurt – don’t feel bad though, everyone does it to ‘people like me’.